I want to be terrifying in the best ways. I want to say things that make people smile. I want to watch someone I don’t know cry and instead of cringing from the discomfort, I want to pat them on the back and say “someday this will be a memory, and no matter how much it hurts now, that day will come. I promise.” And I want them to believe me. I want to amaze at least one person with my mind because I want someone to turn to me and say “You are not crazy. You are beautiful.” And I want to believe them. I want to read books that astound me, and I want to continue to see life in this new, childlike, mind blowing way that I’ve been seeing it. I want to smoke a lot of pot, and even more cigarettes, but then I want to look down one day and change my mind, and then I want to stop and never look back. I want to remember why I once loved something that now seems silly to me, and I want to love it again. And I want to realise why I shouldn’t love something I’ve been trying to love for so long. I want to go to poetry readings and make friends with the kind of people that just look like they’ll be fun to party with. I want to make art, and scare people with the words that I write. I want to write a book that gives insight into this crazy, fucked up, beautiful life that I’ve had so far, and I want someone to tell me. “Holy shit, that changed my life.” But not because I think I’m worthy of that, but because I hear it’s life changing to change someone else’s life, and I’ve never done that before. I want to experience every moment of my life, and I want to stay up all night because I’m excited to be alive, not because my mind is so terrifying to me, that I’m scared to let it take over. I want so many things, and I guess this is sort of what I was talking about earlier, about decisions. Because I truly think I can at least somewhat make myself the person I want to be. But if I’m honest with myself, I will never be exactly who I want to be, because that woman, hates a lot of the things the girl I am now still cannot let go of.